The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 2 - Analysis of Abuse

It would be useful at this stage to provide a generic explanation of "The Cycle of Abuse" and it's various off-shoots. In no way does it only pertain to partnership (marriage, civil partnership, betrothal, courtship, other); indeed, it can be applied to any relationship involving any number of people. For the purpose of this case we are referring to a long-term civil partnership - although as the episode unfolds, we will see how other people become involved in the whole cycle of abuse.


The Cycle of Abuse can be graphically produced, depicting a clear circle (or cycle) of events that continually rotate through the various stages. They can be applied to various stages of a relationship, as well as to any individual interaction within a relationship, and can occur out-of-sequence too. These are as follows:

CALM - this is the 'usual' state of play, mostly experienced at the beginning of a relationship, commonly known as the 'honeymoon period'. As this can reoccur several times, it thus becomes the 'sticking plaster', where the abuser placates the abused, the incident is forgotten and the abuse ceases.  We will talk about reasons for this state later on.

TENSION - As tension increases as a result of 'triggers' (precipitous actions by the abuser), communication breaks down, the abused become fearful of the consequences and fells the need  to placate the abuser. This can take a variety of guises, from the extreme of sexual 'favours' to basic domicilliary actions that are performed as part of a feeling of 'duty'.

INCIDENT - This is where the verbal, physical and emotional abuse takes place. These come in the form of Anger, Threats, Blaming, Arguing, Intimidation and Subjugation. The catalogue of examples of these would be too exasperating to depict herewith, but I'm sure that many of you would be able to identify with most of those headings in some fashion.

RECONCILIATION - Unlike the 'CALM' phase, the abuser apologises for actions, gives excuses, blames the abused victim, denies the incident occurred, or even says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims. This is almost as horrid as the actual abuse, because it is these actions that TOTALLY MESS UP THE ABUSED VICTIMS' SELF-BELIEF AND SELF-WORTH. You will note that we have started to use the term VICTIM; we should make no mistake about the fact that abused people are VICTIMS. The Cycle of Abuse, if not broken, efficiently and completely DESTROYS the VICTIM.

Natalie is a VICTIM of the Cycle of Abuse; Fred is the ABUSER.

The story unfolds...

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 1

How many women are trapped in abusive relationships that they cannot escape from?
This is not a rhetorical question - the simple answer is Too Many!

Whilst there has been a definite shift of  emphasis, with women becoming empowered to take action to change their lives, there is still a strong undercurrent of subjugation in households from which there is little chance of liberty.

This story will follow the life of one such 'victim' who, sadly, is still living under these circumstances, with little hope of retribution...

Natalie is typical - typical in the sense that she has just followed life's path - met a guy, fell pregnant at 20 - raised the family, worked, kept things going and stayed the course. The decisions she made to stay on this course were influenced heavily by a number of  external factors, not the least of which was the subjugation of a typical bully. She came from a 'broken home', parents having split due to the abuse of an alcoholic husband (is there a pattern emerging?) - a home that was otherwise of good calibre - she attended ballet classes and participated in local events as part of the community - so she was given a better start in life than some.

Fred was your typical 'jack the lad' - popular with the girls, liberal with his attention, and totally lacking in any kind of respect for women beyond satisfying his own needs. Does this sound attractive to some of you?.
Read on...
He came from a large family, most of whom were 'carved from the same loaf'; crime, drink, drugs, violence, theft, and a catalogue of  unsavoury episodes that most 'sensible' girls would give a wide berth to. Work was sporadic, and any money derived from it went straight down his throat. CB Radio was all the rage then, so access to 'vunerable' girls was even easier via the precursor to modern-day social networks. This was how he met Natalie, one of several girls he was sexually active with.

When Natalie was three months pregnant with her first child, she found out that Fred had been with another girl and that she was pregnant too. Despite his infidelity and promiscuity, she gave him an ultimatum; "choose her or me". This was the fateful decision that plunged her into over twenty years of misery - he chose her.
The infidelity didn't stop - a string of  'affairs' ensued, interlaced with alcoholic episodes, to which she had no answer, other than, perhaps, to blame herself?

This was the beginning of the 'Cycle of Abuse' - the start of 'self-justification' for his actions -  a desperate attempt of a vunerable, young, single women to 'hold it all together'. She'd seen what had happened to her parents - this couldn't happen again, so it must be her fault...