The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 9 - Emotional Response.

It would be very easy to sit back and make judgements about how 'victims' ought to be gaining control of their situations and taking action against their abusers. In essence, there IS a lot of help out there, once the victim has identified that they want and need to escape. However, we need to look at the complexities of a whole gamut of emotions that come into play that have a direct bearing on all of the ensuing events.

We've focussed on our main theme and headline "The Cycle of Abuse", and it's campaign heading "Abuse is No Use!". There is another heading that is associated with the fallout that results from the actions taken to self-extract from abuse, and it is entitled "The Five Stages of Emotional Response." They occur many times during the process, not only whilst action is being taken, but prior to this too, as some of the emotions will have been engendered by the abuser. They are as follows:

Stage 1: Denial
* We deny that the loss has occurred.
* We ignore the signs of the loss.
   We begin to use:
* Magical thinking--believing this loss will go away "magically."
* Excessive fantasy believing nothing is wrong; this loss is just imagined; when I wake up everything will be      OK.
* Regression believing that if we act childlike and want others to reassure us that nothing is wrong.
* Withdrawal believing we can avoid facing the loss and avoid those people who confront us with the truth.
* Rejection believing we can reject the truth and those who bring us the news of our loss to avoid facing the loss.

Stage 2: Bargaining
* We bargain or strike a deal with ourselves or others to make the loss go away.
* We promise to do anything to make this loss go away.
* We agree to take extreme measures in order to make this loss disappear.
* We lack confidence in our attempts to deal with the loss, looking elsewhere for answers. We begin to:
  "shop around" believing we look for the "right" agent with the "cure" for our loss.
* Gamble believing we can take chances on "cures" for our loss.
* Take risks believing we can put ourselves in jeopardy financially, emotionally and physically to get to an        answer or "cure" for our loss.
* Sacrifice believing in our pursuit of a "cure" to change the loss we can ignore our real needs.

Stage 3: Anger
* We become angry with ourselves or with others over our loss.
* We become outraged and incensed over the steps that must be taken to overcome our loss.
* We pick out "scapegoats" on which to vent our anger, e.g., the doctors, hospitals, clerks, helping agencies,  rehabilitation specialists, etc.
   We begin to use:
* Self-blaming--believing we should blame ourselves for this loss.
* Switching blame--believing we should blame others for this loss.
* Blaming the victim--believing we should blame the victim for leaving us.
* Aggressive anger--believing we have a right to vent our blame and rage aggressively on the closest target.
* Resentment--believing our hurt and pain is justified to turn into resentment toward involved in our loss event including the victim.
Anger is a normal stage. It must be expressed and resolved; if it is suppressed and held in, it will can lead to a maladaptive condition of depression that drains our emotional energy.

Stage 4: Despair
* We become overwhelmed by the anguish, pain and hurt of our loss; we are thrown into the depths of our emotional response.
* We can begin to have uncontrollable spells of crying, sobbing and weeping.
* We can begin to go into spells of deep silence, morose thinking and deep melancholy.
   We can begin to experience:
* Guilt believing we are responsible for our loss.
* Remorse believing we should feel sorry for our real or perceived "bad past," deeds for which this loss is some form of retribution or punishment.
* Loss of hope believing that because the news of our loss becomes so overwhelming that we have no hope  of being able to return to the calm and order our life held prior to the loss.
* Loss of faith and trust believing that because of this loss we can no longer trust our belief in good.
We need support to assist us in gaining the objectivity to reframe and regroup our lives. If we are not able to work through our despair, we risk experiencing events such as mental illness, suicide, inability to cope with the aftermath of our loss, rejection and detachment, poor bonding or unhealthy interaction with the parties involved in our loss.

Stage 5: Acceptance
* We begin to reach a level of awareness and understanding of the nature of our loss.
   We can now:
* Describe the terms and conditions involved in our loss.
* Fully describe the risks and limitations involved in the treatment or rehabilitation for the loss involved.
* Cope with our loss.
* Test the concepts and alternatives available to us in dealing with this loss.
* Handle the information surrounding this loss in a more appropriate way.
   We begin to use:
* Rational thinking believing we are able to refute our irrational beliefs or fantasy thinking in order to address our loss from a rational perspective.
* Adaptive behavior believing we can begin to adjust our lives to incorporate the changes necessary after our loss.
* Appropriate emotion believing we begin to express our emotional responses freely and are better able to verbalise the pain, hurt and suffering we have experienced.
* Patience and self-understanding believing we can recognize that it takes time to adjust to the loss and give ourselves time to "deal" with it. We set a realistic time frame in which to learn to cope with our changed lives.
* Self-confidence believing, as we begin to sort things out and recognize the stages of loss as natural and expected, that we gain the confidence needed for personal growth.

It is important to realise that this emotional cycle is recurrent. Too often, when trying to 'take control', we apply 'tick-boxes' to our emotions, expecting to be able to say "we're over that", when, in reality, we are FAR from 'over it'. We can be growing in acceptance and still experience denial, bargaining, anger and despair.

 
To come to full acceptance we need support to gain objectivity and clarity of thinking. It is often useful to gain such assistance from those who have experienced a similar loss. Peer support from strangers is often the best way for a person to deal with the grieving process.

NO SINGLE PERSON IS ABLE TO EMBRACE, ENDURE AND ENCOMPASS THE "TSUNAMI" OF EMOTIONS THAT SURFACE DURING A CRISIS.

By now,  if you have been the victim of abuse and have been reading the above, you'll probably either feel partially empowered to take the first steps to recovery, or you'll feel terrified of even moving out of your abusive 'comfort zone'. for fear of not being able to cope. Yes, it IS recovery, for you will be experiencing a healthy new vigour in your life, as much as if you were emerging from a long illness. Either way, whether you feel empowered, scared or even a little of both, YOU CANNOT DO IT ALONE AND MUST SEEK HELP.

In the next chapter, we'll look at the types of help available and how they are best accessed.

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 7 - The Mind of the Abuser

The Mind of the Abuser

Abusive people typically think they are unique, so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules as everyone else. But actually, abusers have a lot in common with one another and share a great many thinking patterns and behaviors. These may include:

  Success Fantasies:  The abuser believes in fantasies of being rich, famous, or extremely successful in other terms if only other people weren't holding him back. They're blocking the way makes the abuser feel justified in getting back at them, including through abuse. The abuser also puts other people down as a way of building their self up.
  Blaming:  The abuser shifts responsibility for certain actions to others, which allows the abuser to be angry at the other person for "causing" the behavior. For example: "If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them."
  Excuse Making:  Instead of accepting responsibility for certain actions, the abuser tries to justify their behavior with excuses. For example, "My parents never loved me," or "My parents beat me," or "I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess I lost my temper," or "I couldn't let him talk to me that way, there was nothing else I could do."
  Redefining:  The abuser redefines the situation so that the problem lies not with the abuser but with others or the outside world. For example: The abuser doesn't come home at 6 p.m. for dinner as prearranged; he or she comes home at 4 a.m. The abuser says, "You're an awful cook anyway. Why should I come home to eat this stuff? I bet the kids wouldn't even eat it."
  Making Fools of Others:  The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his reactions, and provoking a fight between or among others. He may try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a great deal of interest in and concern for that person in order to get on his good side.
  Assuming:  Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. For example: "I knew you'd be mad because I went out for a drink after work, so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself."
  Emotional Dependence:  Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their spouse. The result of their inner rage at being dependent means that the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness.
One major symptom is strong jealousy and possessive actions, normally sexual in nature. The abuser will spend a great deal of time monitoring their spouses activities. The abuser lacks supportive relationships. Another sign of dependence is the effect of what happens when the abused person leaves the home because of the abuse. It is common for the abuser to make extraordinary attempts to persuade them to return.
  Lying:  The abuser manipulates by lying to control information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically. For example: The abuser tries to appear truthful when actually lying, or tries to look deceitful when actually telling the truth.
  Rigid Application of Traditional Sex Attitudes:  Abusive spouses tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles and functions of their spouses in the marriage. The wife may expect the husband to over fulfill all the financial needs and household/parenting chores.
  Drama and Excitement:  Abusive people have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others become angry, get into fights, or fall into a general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics to set up an exciting situation.
  Closed Channel:  The abusive person does not tell much about personal details and real feelings. The abuser is not open to new information about himself either, such as someone else's thoughts about them personally. The abuser is secretive, close-minded and self-righteous. Abusers believe they are right in all situations.
  Ownership:  The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, the abuser believes that anything that is wanted should be owned, and that the abuser can do as wanted with anything that is hers. The same attitude applies to people. It justifies controlling others' behavior, physically hurting them and taking things that belong to them.
  Poor Anger Management:  Individuals who have experienced a violent and abusive childhood are more likely to grow up and become spouse abusers. A person who sees violence as the primary method for settling differences as a child is not going to have very many alternate ways available to channel anger. A person without an everyday outlet for anger risks exploding toward the people closest to them.
  Minimizing:  The abuser ducks responsibility for abusive actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. For example: "I didn't hit you that hard", or "I only hit one of the kids. I could have done them all."
  Fragmentation:  The abuser usually keeps the abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life. The separation is physical; for example, the abuser will beat up family members but not people outside the home. The separation is also psychological; for example, it is not uncommon for an abuser to attend church Sunday morning and beat the victim Sunday night. The abuser sees no inconsistency in this behavior and feels justified in it.
  Above the Rules:  As mentioned earlier, abusers generally believe they are better than other people and so don't have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate usually believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he is not. An abuser shows above-the-rules thinking in saying, "I don't need counseling. Nobody knows as much about my life as I do. I can handle my life without help from anybody.
  Self-glorification:  The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent and self-sufficient. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.
  Inability to express feelings with words:  This type of person is rarely capable of true intimacy and may feel very threatened by the prospect of being open and vulnerable. Particularly when frustrated, the abusive person expects instant gratification from their spouse who is expected to "read" their mind and "know" what their mate wants. When the mate doesn't know what is expected the wife may interpret this as meaning they do not really love them. Therefore with an abusive individual, rejection = violence.

  Vagueness:  Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. Example: "I'm late because I had to do something on the way home."

• Batterers (male or female) tend to be preoccupied with "macho" ideals. They feel a need to dominate and control and often expect it as their right and privilege. They may tend to associate some feminine qualities with weakness and fear intimacy as making them vulnerable.
• They are frequently characterized as lacking in assertive communication skills and appearing alternatively passive or aggressive in nature. They are more inclined to resolve problems and emotions through violence, as the male sex role stereotype would suggest. This tendency tends to add to the stress many batterers create for themselves and their families.
• Batterers have higher levels of hostility than non-batterers. Their range of emotions tend to be reduced to anger, which in-turn is expressed primarily through violent behavior similar to the same behavior sanctioned by various macho subcultures. Emotional tensions are typically suppressed until they finally "explode."
• Despite the bravado that many batterers display, they characteristically suffer from lower self-esteem than non-batterers. They often feel that they have not lived up to the sex role stereotype and consequently overcompensate with hyper-masculine behavior.
  They become emotionally dependent on their partners and consequently become threatened by the possibility of their departure. This is often evident in excessive jealousy and possessiveness.
• Batterers have a higher incidence of alcohol and drug abuse. The alcohol acts as a uninhibitor, intensifying abusive incidents, but it does not "cause" the abuse.
  
  Many batterers are abusive with or without alcohol and continue their violence even after "drying out." Some experts consider alcohol and drug abuse to act as a sedative for the emotional distress most batterers bear in response to their abusive childhood, sense of inadequacy, and poor communication skills.
• The majority of batterers have experienced or witnessed childhood violence that has left them with low self-esteem, poor role models, and sometimes traumatized. Very much like the alcoholic, abusers deny there is a problem and refuse to accept responsibility for their abusive behaviour. They blame everyone else for making them angry, thereby excusing their actions.

Dealing with an Abuser who manifests the behaviours above is beyond any 'normal' person. These behaviours are rarely labelled as such by the profession, but are, indeed, evidence of Mental Illness. Although the term is often applied loosely, in the extreme of abuse cases it must be taken most seriously and dealt with accordingly. Abuse is No Use