We've focussed on our main theme and headline "The Cycle of Abuse", and it's campaign heading "Abuse is No Use!". There is another heading that is associated with the fallout that results from the actions taken to self-extract from abuse, and it is entitled "The Five Stages of Emotional Response." They occur many times during the process, not only whilst action is being taken, but prior to this too, as some of the emotions will have been engendered by the abuser. They are as follows:
Stage 1: Denial
* We deny that the loss has occurred.
* We ignore the signs of the loss.
We begin to use:
* Magical thinking--believing this loss will go away "magically."
* Excessive fantasy believing nothing is wrong; this loss is just imagined; when I wake up everything will be OK.
* Regression believing that if we act childlike and want others to reassure us that nothing is wrong.
* Withdrawal believing we can avoid facing the loss and avoid those people who confront us with the truth.
* Rejection believing we can reject the truth and those who bring us the news of our loss to avoid facing the loss.
Stage 2: Bargaining
* We bargain or strike a deal with ourselves or others to make the loss go away.
* We promise to do anything to make this loss go away.
* We agree to take extreme measures in order to make this loss disappear.
* We lack confidence in our attempts to deal with the loss, looking elsewhere for answers. We begin to:
"shop around" believing we look for the "right" agent with the "cure" for our loss.
* Gamble believing we can take chances on "cures" for our loss.
* Take risks believing we can put ourselves in jeopardy financially, emotionally and physically to get to an answer or "cure" for our loss.
* Sacrifice believing in our pursuit of a "cure" to change the loss we can ignore our real needs.
Stage 3: Anger
* We become angry with ourselves or with others over our loss.
* We become outraged and incensed over the steps that must be taken to overcome our loss.
* We pick out "scapegoats" on which to vent our anger, e.g., the doctors, hospitals, clerks, helping agencies, rehabilitation specialists, etc.
We begin to use:
* Self-blaming--believing we should blame ourselves for this loss.
* Switching blame--believing we should blame others for this loss.
* Blaming the victim--believing we should blame the victim for leaving us.
* Aggressive anger--believing we have a right to vent our blame and rage aggressively on the closest target.
* Resentment--believing our hurt and pain is justified to turn into resentment toward involved in our loss event including the victim.
Anger is a normal stage. It must be expressed and resolved; if it is suppressed and held in, it will can lead to a maladaptive condition of depression that drains our emotional energy.
Stage 4: Despair
* We become overwhelmed by the anguish, pain and hurt of our loss; we are thrown into the depths of our emotional response.
* We can begin to have uncontrollable spells of crying, sobbing and weeping.
* We can begin to go into spells of deep silence, morose thinking and deep melancholy.
We can begin to experience:
* Guilt believing we are responsible for our loss.
* Remorse believing we should feel sorry for our real or perceived "bad past," deeds for which this loss is some form of retribution or punishment.
* Loss of hope believing that because the news of our loss becomes so overwhelming that we have no hope of being able to return to the calm and order our life held prior to the loss.
* Loss of faith and trust believing that because of this loss we can no longer trust our belief in good.
We need support to assist us in gaining the objectivity to reframe and regroup our lives. If we are not able to work through our despair, we risk experiencing events such as mental illness, suicide, inability to cope with the aftermath of our loss, rejection and detachment, poor bonding or unhealthy interaction with the parties involved in our loss.
Stage 5: Acceptance
* We begin to reach a level of awareness and understanding of the nature of our loss.
We can now:
* Describe the terms and conditions involved in our loss.
* Fully describe the risks and limitations involved in the treatment or rehabilitation for the loss involved.
* Cope with our loss.
* Test the concepts and alternatives available to us in dealing with this loss.
* Handle the information surrounding this loss in a more appropriate way.
We begin to use:
* Rational thinking believing we are able to refute our irrational beliefs or fantasy thinking in order to address our loss from a rational perspective.
* Adaptive behavior believing we can begin to adjust our lives to incorporate the changes necessary after our loss.
* Appropriate emotion believing we begin to express our emotional responses freely and are better able to verbalise the pain, hurt and suffering we have experienced.
* Patience and self-understanding believing we can recognize that it takes time to adjust to the loss and give ourselves time to "deal" with it. We set a realistic time frame in which to learn to cope with our changed lives.
* Self-confidence believing, as we begin to sort things out and recognize the stages of loss as natural and expected, that we gain the confidence needed for personal growth.
* We deny that the loss has occurred.
* We ignore the signs of the loss.
We begin to use:
* Magical thinking--believing this loss will go away "magically."
* Excessive fantasy believing nothing is wrong; this loss is just imagined; when I wake up everything will be OK.
* Regression believing that if we act childlike and want others to reassure us that nothing is wrong.
* Withdrawal believing we can avoid facing the loss and avoid those people who confront us with the truth.
* Rejection believing we can reject the truth and those who bring us the news of our loss to avoid facing the loss.
Stage 2: Bargaining
* We bargain or strike a deal with ourselves or others to make the loss go away.
* We promise to do anything to make this loss go away.
* We agree to take extreme measures in order to make this loss disappear.
* We lack confidence in our attempts to deal with the loss, looking elsewhere for answers. We begin to:
"shop around" believing we look for the "right" agent with the "cure" for our loss.
* Gamble believing we can take chances on "cures" for our loss.
* Take risks believing we can put ourselves in jeopardy financially, emotionally and physically to get to an answer or "cure" for our loss.
* Sacrifice believing in our pursuit of a "cure" to change the loss we can ignore our real needs.
Stage 3: Anger
* We become angry with ourselves or with others over our loss.
* We become outraged and incensed over the steps that must be taken to overcome our loss.
* We pick out "scapegoats" on which to vent our anger, e.g., the doctors, hospitals, clerks, helping agencies, rehabilitation specialists, etc.
We begin to use:
* Self-blaming--believing we should blame ourselves for this loss.
* Switching blame--believing we should blame others for this loss.
* Blaming the victim--believing we should blame the victim for leaving us.
* Aggressive anger--believing we have a right to vent our blame and rage aggressively on the closest target.
* Resentment--believing our hurt and pain is justified to turn into resentment toward involved in our loss event including the victim.
Anger is a normal stage. It must be expressed and resolved; if it is suppressed and held in, it will can lead to a maladaptive condition of depression that drains our emotional energy.
Stage 4: Despair
* We become overwhelmed by the anguish, pain and hurt of our loss; we are thrown into the depths of our emotional response.
* We can begin to have uncontrollable spells of crying, sobbing and weeping.
* We can begin to go into spells of deep silence, morose thinking and deep melancholy.
We can begin to experience:
* Guilt believing we are responsible for our loss.
* Remorse believing we should feel sorry for our real or perceived "bad past," deeds for which this loss is some form of retribution or punishment.
* Loss of hope believing that because the news of our loss becomes so overwhelming that we have no hope of being able to return to the calm and order our life held prior to the loss.
* Loss of faith and trust believing that because of this loss we can no longer trust our belief in good.
We need support to assist us in gaining the objectivity to reframe and regroup our lives. If we are not able to work through our despair, we risk experiencing events such as mental illness, suicide, inability to cope with the aftermath of our loss, rejection and detachment, poor bonding or unhealthy interaction with the parties involved in our loss.
Stage 5: Acceptance
* We begin to reach a level of awareness and understanding of the nature of our loss.
We can now:
* Describe the terms and conditions involved in our loss.
* Fully describe the risks and limitations involved in the treatment or rehabilitation for the loss involved.
* Cope with our loss.
* Test the concepts and alternatives available to us in dealing with this loss.
* Handle the information surrounding this loss in a more appropriate way.
We begin to use:
* Rational thinking believing we are able to refute our irrational beliefs or fantasy thinking in order to address our loss from a rational perspective.
* Adaptive behavior believing we can begin to adjust our lives to incorporate the changes necessary after our loss.
* Appropriate emotion believing we begin to express our emotional responses freely and are better able to verbalise the pain, hurt and suffering we have experienced.
* Patience and self-understanding believing we can recognize that it takes time to adjust to the loss and give ourselves time to "deal" with it. We set a realistic time frame in which to learn to cope with our changed lives.
* Self-confidence believing, as we begin to sort things out and recognize the stages of loss as natural and expected, that we gain the confidence needed for personal growth.
It is important to realise that this emotional cycle is recurrent. Too often, when trying to 'take control', we apply 'tick-boxes' to our emotions, expecting to be able to say "we're over that", when, in reality, we are FAR from 'over it'. We can be growing in acceptance and still experience denial, bargaining, anger and despair.
To come to full acceptance we need support to gain objectivity and clarity of thinking. It is often useful to gain such assistance from those who have experienced a similar loss. Peer support from strangers is often the best way for a person to deal with the grieving process.
NO SINGLE PERSON IS ABLE TO EMBRACE, ENDURE AND ENCOMPASS THE "TSUNAMI" OF EMOTIONS THAT SURFACE DURING A CRISIS.
By now, if you have been the victim of abuse and have been reading the above, you'll probably either feel partially empowered to take the first steps to recovery, or you'll feel terrified of even moving out of your abusive 'comfort zone'. for fear of not being able to cope. Yes, it IS recovery, for you will be experiencing a healthy new vigour in your life, as much as if you were emerging from a long illness. Either way, whether you feel empowered, scared or even a little of both, YOU CANNOT DO IT ALONE AND MUST SEEK HELP.
In the next chapter, we'll look at the types of help available and how they are best accessed.
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