Body-image and Self-abuse

The resurgence of fitness pursuits, especially amongst women
who are striving to compete with their male counterparts, has a sinister side
to it - that of excess to the point of detriment.

The "Adonis complex" as it has been dubbed, is the
result of (mainly male) excesses of body-building, to the extent that a
condition known as Muscle Dysmorphia occurs. This condition results due to
ridiculous measures being taken in order to gain even bigger physical frames,
despite the sometimes grotesque results.

In women, Body Dysmorphia is on the increase, with the
pursuit of leaner, trimmer physiques being the all-consuming factor, driven by
media brainwashing and the constant exposure to 'celebrity' physiques. 'Celebrity'
diets, weight-reduction supplements and emancipation are all contributory to
the increase in cases of malnutrition to the point of starvation. The
concomitant effect is one of Anorexia in some cases - the male opposite counterpart
being dubbed Bigorexia - and in both cases there is a high risk of death due to
taking the body to extremes that is simply isn't designed to achieve or
maintain.

As with all things, if you think that you are over-exercising, or
suffering from disordered eating, you probably are! However, many 'obsessive
practices/addictions' go unchallenged, until someone else makes a comment. The
best way to approach this is - if a partner, friend, family member, colleague,
fellow gym associate or even GP suggests that you might be overdoing the
workouts, you very likely are, and this is the time to take stock of what you
are actually trying to achieve. Many 'obsessive' practices are borne of
'distorted cognitions' - inherent thoughts that fuel emotions and drive our
behaviours. It is these 'drivers' that need the workout, not the incumbent
physical forms.

If you feel that your regimen has got out of proportion to
your original goal, then it's time to talk to someone about it. Counselling no
longer has the same stigma attached to it as it had previously – practitioners
understand the emotions behind the behaviours and can talk about strategies
that are designed to alleviate, compensate and remediate. You can access an
initial assessment of your condition here.

Family Dysfunction – The Generation Effect - Chapter 1

When dealing with people who are experiencing anxiety, stress & depression, analyses often unearth a history of dysfunction occurring, usually within a close circle like a family group. This we’ll dub “The Generation Effect”, as we look at examples of how this impacts on the mental health and well-being of those whom it affects.

Abuse cases and causes are well-documented – we have reported on this previously in the following Blog:

http://builtcleversolutions.blogspot.com/

Abusers are sometimes loosely ‘defended’ by the fact they may well have been exposed to direct abuse themselves, possibly during childhood, but there is little mention of what we’ll dub “Indirect Abuse” and it’s impact on those who experience it. Indirect Abuse occurs when its victims are exposed to dysfunctional relationships – usually within their own immediate family group – and it is the coping mechanisms evoked that become the basis for future behavioural idiosyncrasies that in turn precipitate dysfunctionality in their own relationships. Essentially, the “Cycle of Abuse” doesn’t end with their exit from exposure to the dysfunctional scenario – it is transferred to their future relationships, with the associated emergent problems.

Terri and Steve are typical examples of the above scenario.

Coming from two quite different backgrounds, they met whilst working for the same company and camaraderie turned into something more as time evolved.

Terri came from a middle-class background; both of her parents were in ‘professional’ employment and so her route through the formative education years into university was assured due to both mother and grandmother being in education roles. With only a younger brother to ‘compete’ with, Terri’s progression through childhood into teenage and young adulthood should have been relatively unimpeded – but that, as we’ll see, wasn’t the case.

Steve came from a working-class background; his father was assigned to the services, so was away for large periods of time. His mother had three children to raise, largely alone, but this did not prevent Steve from also pursuing the education route to university. From what seems to be a fairly average path through his early years, the story unfolds accordingly.

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 10 - First Steps to Freedom

It is, without question, extremely difficult to take those First Steps to Freedom from an abusive relationship.
As we have previously stated, if you have identified your situation as being abusive and want to extract yourself from it, YOU CANNOT DO SO ALONE!

The first step is to seek support and this is best offered by either an individual Counsellor/Therapist, or directly via an organisation that is specifically geared to offering a full range of support services.
If you just feel that you need to go slowly and want initially to talk, a Counsellor would be the ideal first step to take, as he/she will be able to listen to you without making any judgements and then prepare you to take the next steps, feeling confident in your own decsions.

As promised, here are a few links to organisations that will LISTEN TO YOU.
Their help is not obligatory, but they will listen and make suggestions for you to follow:

Counselling
http://builtcleversolutions.webs.com
builtcleversolutions@gmail.com


http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

http://refuge.org.uk/

http://www.victimsupport.com/

http://www.samaritans.org/

http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

UK National Domestic Violence Freephone:
0808 2000 247

Women's Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline:
0345 023 468

Remember this:
You have a RIGHT to live in peace, harmony and safety.

Abuse is No Use!

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 8 - ABUSE is NO USE!

Calm - Tension - Incident - Reconciliation

Do they sound familiar?
How many of you actually endure this cycle every single day?


Somewhere, in these horrendously demanding and busy lives that we make for ourselves (yes, WE make them), all the emotions become rolled into one - a kind of 'survival' instinct that is employed just to get us through another day!


In abusive situations, we become conditioned to the daily cycle, almost expecting that "it'll be ok", then "it'll be tense", then "an explosion", and finally "see, it's all over now". But, it's still ABUSE; becoming conditioned to accept it as a way of life is no solution.

So, what can be done? How can we raise awareness levels amongst those that are being abused? (On the basis that some people don't even realise that they are a victim).
There is a plethora of information available on the internet, from case-study examples of abuse to details of support and refuge organisations, but can or does the 'average' 'victim' access this? How do we get the message across that they don't have to endure abuse, that there are ways of dealing with it and that they are not alone?

There is little or  no television coverage of this kind of thing. Unless victims are 'allowed' to have a social circle where they become exposed to others who have 'broken free' of their abusers, there is little chance of their ever gaining the resources they need to commence extraction from their situations. There needs to be more exposure of this in the media, organisations coming to the fore and conveying the message loud and clear that ABUSE is NO USE!

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 6

The purpose of these articles - recanting a real-life story of abuse - and giving substance to the elements that make-up the ever-revolving cycle - is to allow readers to relate to their own situations, to make them sit up and think, to say "my goodness, that's me!" With this in mind, let's look at other signs.

Has Abuse Changed You?

Without a doubt, it most certainly has...

Your abusive relationship has likely gotten or will get worse over time. You can't make your abuser change their behavior. You can't "fix" them. It is not up to you to fix other people. Being abusive is their issue to resolve...not yours.

Answering these questions honestly will give you a good idea just how severely abuse has hurt you and changed you. The effects of the cycle of abuse are insidious... you may have become a mere shadow of your former self... a person who goes through the motions of everyday life with no hope, no joy, no real happiness. You may have turned to drugs, alcohol, the internet or long work hours to help you cope.
Listed below are a few of the ways in which abuse can and does affect you.

Do you have a feeling that you are not the same person you were before? You know yourself best... trust your own instincts. If you cannot answer this question yourself... ask someone you trust implicitly. People who knew you before you became a victim of abuse will have seen the changes occur within you... no matter how obvious or subtle those change may be.

If you answer 'yes' to some of the following questions, you are likely being abused and not only are you abused, you have also very likely changed as a result of being abused.

• Do you fight and make up regularly?
• Does your partner put you down, ridicule you, criticize you?  Or are you doing that to your partner?
• Are you "hanging in" because you can see the potential -- only the potential never gets realized?
• Is your partner never home or "tuned out" when he or she is at home?  Or are you?
• Are you relieved when your partner isn't around?
• Are you uneasy when your partner is away?
• Does your partner hit you or threaten to hit you?  Or are you doing it to him or her?
• Is your sex life gone?
• Is you or your partner's use of drugs or alcohol creating problems?
• Is living alone or independently unthinkable?
• Do you doubt your judgment or wonder if your are "crazy"?
• Are you afraid of your partner?  Do you express opinions less and less freely?
• Have you developed fears of other people and tend to see others less often?
• Do you spend a lot of time watching for your partner's bad and not-so-bad moods, before bringing up a subject?
• Do you ask your partner's permission to spend money, take classes or socialize with friends?
• Have you lost confidence in your abilities, become increasingly depressed - feeling trapped and powerless?

Reading this will help you to see that the abuse you are living with is real. It is painful, degrading and humiliating. Instead, give yourself a hug and a pat on the back for surviving.
You are empowering yourself with every bit of knowledge you glean. You are loving and caring about yourself by being at this website... through researching and understanding the dynamics of domestic violence and abuse.

Next chapter: Inside the mind of the Abuser!

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 5 - Stockholm Syndrome

On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees "The party has just begun!" The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours.
The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.
After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees!
Clearly, the hostages had "bonded" emotionally with their captors.

The psychological undercurrents to this have been dubbed "The Stockholm Syndrome", as the reactions  of the hostages clearly depict the kinds of behaviour that are exhibited by abuse victims. In even the short term, severe traumatic abuse can and does have lasting effects, whether that be physical, emotional or a combination of the two. Multiply this exposure by several years and you have a chronic debility that is hard to overcome.

Natalie clearly exhibited behaviours that corresponded to this. Her home was her prison - here she found refuge, away from the concerned questioning of relatives and friends as to why she tolerated the abuse she was receiving. Fred was her captor - in some sickeningly paradoxical way, his violence also gave him a role as her 'protector' from the outside world - after all, who was ever going to confront him, or even say anything in earshot? So Natalie kept going back to her captor, something she had done time and again. Yes, despite experiencing all the trappings of a comfortable, loving new life, she was drawn back once more. The years of abuse had literally squeezed the will out of her, she couldn't maintain the belief that she was actually free from Fred. He had threatened her so many times; how he would kill himself, the children, family, friends, even Natalie, if she left him for good. He was very clever, as so many abusers can be - he would bide his time, wait for an appropriate moment (usually some kind of family crisis) and then wind her back in again with either false promises or more threats. No external force or person was strong enough to overcome this for very long and Natalie was mentally exhausted - her abused life had taken it's toll. She literally "gave up", her very existence now so completely subjugated that she was but a puppet in some sad cameo.

Natalie is still imprisoned today...
Some would say "by choice". But what choice does she have?
The power to reason it out enough to determine and act upon a solution is continually diluted by Fred's influence.

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 4

Natalie continued as best as she could - her 'conditioning' for want of a better term, afforded the most complete resilience achievable. In the face of abject humiliation at the hands of her own personal 'Jekyll & Hyde' 'partner' (the term is derisory, given his actions), Natalie dug-in and did her best to maintain her household. The rented accommodation was in her name, so she had that much security, but this meant being at the mercy of the Benefits system, as Fred rarely worked, if ever, and when he did the money was squandered on alcohol. In short, he was little more than an unwelcome, nonpaying lodger. She managed to gain some domicilliary work from friends, which provided 'pocket-money' for the kids, but it wasn't until she took her first real job that things changed significantly. Firstly, his reign of terror increased, because he became the paranoid partner, accusing her of sleeping with men that she came into contact with at work. His grip had been loosened; he was no longer lord-&-master of a kitchen-bound housewife and mother - she had freed herself slightly from his clutches - AND IT FELT GOOD!
Then something unexpected happened. Natalie met somebody. Not just anybody, but a real Knight-in-shining-armour. She knew, as soon as she laid eyes on him, that she wanted him. He made her feel SO GOOD about herself. None of the harshness, the violence, the demeaning put-downs - just pure, unadulterated kindness - AND SHE WANTED MORE.

By a miracle, this chance meeting changed her self-belief so much, that she found the strength to leave Fred - something she had tried so many times before, but in vain, due to his conniving ways. But this time she was staying away - this time she had a protector, a way out. refuge, sanctuary, kindness, and, for the first time in her life, LOVE.

At last, Natalie had escaped Fred's tyranny for good. All she had to do was get him removed from her home and continue to live the good life that she had sorely craved and finally embraced...

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 1

How many women are trapped in abusive relationships that they cannot escape from?
This is not a rhetorical question - the simple answer is Too Many!

Whilst there has been a definite shift of  emphasis, with women becoming empowered to take action to change their lives, there is still a strong undercurrent of subjugation in households from which there is little chance of liberty.

This story will follow the life of one such 'victim' who, sadly, is still living under these circumstances, with little hope of retribution...

Natalie is typical - typical in the sense that she has just followed life's path - met a guy, fell pregnant at 20 - raised the family, worked, kept things going and stayed the course. The decisions she made to stay on this course were influenced heavily by a number of  external factors, not the least of which was the subjugation of a typical bully. She came from a 'broken home', parents having split due to the abuse of an alcoholic husband (is there a pattern emerging?) - a home that was otherwise of good calibre - she attended ballet classes and participated in local events as part of the community - so she was given a better start in life than some.

Fred was your typical 'jack the lad' - popular with the girls, liberal with his attention, and totally lacking in any kind of respect for women beyond satisfying his own needs. Does this sound attractive to some of you?.
Read on...
He came from a large family, most of whom were 'carved from the same loaf'; crime, drink, drugs, violence, theft, and a catalogue of  unsavoury episodes that most 'sensible' girls would give a wide berth to. Work was sporadic, and any money derived from it went straight down his throat. CB Radio was all the rage then, so access to 'vunerable' girls was even easier via the precursor to modern-day social networks. This was how he met Natalie, one of several girls he was sexually active with.

When Natalie was three months pregnant with her first child, she found out that Fred had been with another girl and that she was pregnant too. Despite his infidelity and promiscuity, she gave him an ultimatum; "choose her or me". This was the fateful decision that plunged her into over twenty years of misery - he chose her.
The infidelity didn't stop - a string of  'affairs' ensued, interlaced with alcoholic episodes, to which she had no answer, other than, perhaps, to blame herself?

This was the beginning of the 'Cycle of Abuse' - the start of 'self-justification' for his actions -  a desperate attempt of a vunerable, young, single women to 'hold it all together'. She'd seen what had happened to her parents - this couldn't happen again, so it must be her fault...