The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 10 - First Steps to Freedom

It is, without question, extremely difficult to take those First Steps to Freedom from an abusive relationship.
As we have previously stated, if you have identified your situation as being abusive and want to extract yourself from it, YOU CANNOT DO SO ALONE!

The first step is to seek support and this is best offered by either an individual Counsellor/Therapist, or directly via an organisation that is specifically geared to offering a full range of support services.
If you just feel that you need to go slowly and want initially to talk, a Counsellor would be the ideal first step to take, as he/she will be able to listen to you without making any judgements and then prepare you to take the next steps, feeling confident in your own decsions.

As promised, here are a few links to organisations that will LISTEN TO YOU.
Their help is not obligatory, but they will listen and make suggestions for you to follow:

Counselling
http://builtcleversolutions.webs.com
builtcleversolutions@gmail.com


http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

http://refuge.org.uk/

http://www.victimsupport.com/

http://www.samaritans.org/

http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

UK National Domestic Violence Freephone:
0808 2000 247

Women's Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline:
0345 023 468

Remember this:
You have a RIGHT to live in peace, harmony and safety.

Abuse is No Use!

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 9 - Emotional Response.

It would be very easy to sit back and make judgements about how 'victims' ought to be gaining control of their situations and taking action against their abusers. In essence, there IS a lot of help out there, once the victim has identified that they want and need to escape. However, we need to look at the complexities of a whole gamut of emotions that come into play that have a direct bearing on all of the ensuing events.

We've focussed on our main theme and headline "The Cycle of Abuse", and it's campaign heading "Abuse is No Use!". There is another heading that is associated with the fallout that results from the actions taken to self-extract from abuse, and it is entitled "The Five Stages of Emotional Response." They occur many times during the process, not only whilst action is being taken, but prior to this too, as some of the emotions will have been engendered by the abuser. They are as follows:

Stage 1: Denial
* We deny that the loss has occurred.
* We ignore the signs of the loss.
   We begin to use:
* Magical thinking--believing this loss will go away "magically."
* Excessive fantasy believing nothing is wrong; this loss is just imagined; when I wake up everything will be      OK.
* Regression believing that if we act childlike and want others to reassure us that nothing is wrong.
* Withdrawal believing we can avoid facing the loss and avoid those people who confront us with the truth.
* Rejection believing we can reject the truth and those who bring us the news of our loss to avoid facing the loss.

Stage 2: Bargaining
* We bargain or strike a deal with ourselves or others to make the loss go away.
* We promise to do anything to make this loss go away.
* We agree to take extreme measures in order to make this loss disappear.
* We lack confidence in our attempts to deal with the loss, looking elsewhere for answers. We begin to:
  "shop around" believing we look for the "right" agent with the "cure" for our loss.
* Gamble believing we can take chances on "cures" for our loss.
* Take risks believing we can put ourselves in jeopardy financially, emotionally and physically to get to an        answer or "cure" for our loss.
* Sacrifice believing in our pursuit of a "cure" to change the loss we can ignore our real needs.

Stage 3: Anger
* We become angry with ourselves or with others over our loss.
* We become outraged and incensed over the steps that must be taken to overcome our loss.
* We pick out "scapegoats" on which to vent our anger, e.g., the doctors, hospitals, clerks, helping agencies,  rehabilitation specialists, etc.
   We begin to use:
* Self-blaming--believing we should blame ourselves for this loss.
* Switching blame--believing we should blame others for this loss.
* Blaming the victim--believing we should blame the victim for leaving us.
* Aggressive anger--believing we have a right to vent our blame and rage aggressively on the closest target.
* Resentment--believing our hurt and pain is justified to turn into resentment toward involved in our loss event including the victim.
Anger is a normal stage. It must be expressed and resolved; if it is suppressed and held in, it will can lead to a maladaptive condition of depression that drains our emotional energy.

Stage 4: Despair
* We become overwhelmed by the anguish, pain and hurt of our loss; we are thrown into the depths of our emotional response.
* We can begin to have uncontrollable spells of crying, sobbing and weeping.
* We can begin to go into spells of deep silence, morose thinking and deep melancholy.
   We can begin to experience:
* Guilt believing we are responsible for our loss.
* Remorse believing we should feel sorry for our real or perceived "bad past," deeds for which this loss is some form of retribution or punishment.
* Loss of hope believing that because the news of our loss becomes so overwhelming that we have no hope  of being able to return to the calm and order our life held prior to the loss.
* Loss of faith and trust believing that because of this loss we can no longer trust our belief in good.
We need support to assist us in gaining the objectivity to reframe and regroup our lives. If we are not able to work through our despair, we risk experiencing events such as mental illness, suicide, inability to cope with the aftermath of our loss, rejection and detachment, poor bonding or unhealthy interaction with the parties involved in our loss.

Stage 5: Acceptance
* We begin to reach a level of awareness and understanding of the nature of our loss.
   We can now:
* Describe the terms and conditions involved in our loss.
* Fully describe the risks and limitations involved in the treatment or rehabilitation for the loss involved.
* Cope with our loss.
* Test the concepts and alternatives available to us in dealing with this loss.
* Handle the information surrounding this loss in a more appropriate way.
   We begin to use:
* Rational thinking believing we are able to refute our irrational beliefs or fantasy thinking in order to address our loss from a rational perspective.
* Adaptive behavior believing we can begin to adjust our lives to incorporate the changes necessary after our loss.
* Appropriate emotion believing we begin to express our emotional responses freely and are better able to verbalise the pain, hurt and suffering we have experienced.
* Patience and self-understanding believing we can recognize that it takes time to adjust to the loss and give ourselves time to "deal" with it. We set a realistic time frame in which to learn to cope with our changed lives.
* Self-confidence believing, as we begin to sort things out and recognize the stages of loss as natural and expected, that we gain the confidence needed for personal growth.

It is important to realise that this emotional cycle is recurrent. Too often, when trying to 'take control', we apply 'tick-boxes' to our emotions, expecting to be able to say "we're over that", when, in reality, we are FAR from 'over it'. We can be growing in acceptance and still experience denial, bargaining, anger and despair.

 
To come to full acceptance we need support to gain objectivity and clarity of thinking. It is often useful to gain such assistance from those who have experienced a similar loss. Peer support from strangers is often the best way for a person to deal with the grieving process.

NO SINGLE PERSON IS ABLE TO EMBRACE, ENDURE AND ENCOMPASS THE "TSUNAMI" OF EMOTIONS THAT SURFACE DURING A CRISIS.

By now,  if you have been the victim of abuse and have been reading the above, you'll probably either feel partially empowered to take the first steps to recovery, or you'll feel terrified of even moving out of your abusive 'comfort zone'. for fear of not being able to cope. Yes, it IS recovery, for you will be experiencing a healthy new vigour in your life, as much as if you were emerging from a long illness. Either way, whether you feel empowered, scared or even a little of both, YOU CANNOT DO IT ALONE AND MUST SEEK HELP.

In the next chapter, we'll look at the types of help available and how they are best accessed.

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 8 - ABUSE is NO USE!

Calm - Tension - Incident - Reconciliation

Do they sound familiar?
How many of you actually endure this cycle every single day?


Somewhere, in these horrendously demanding and busy lives that we make for ourselves (yes, WE make them), all the emotions become rolled into one - a kind of 'survival' instinct that is employed just to get us through another day!


In abusive situations, we become conditioned to the daily cycle, almost expecting that "it'll be ok", then "it'll be tense", then "an explosion", and finally "see, it's all over now". But, it's still ABUSE; becoming conditioned to accept it as a way of life is no solution.

So, what can be done? How can we raise awareness levels amongst those that are being abused? (On the basis that some people don't even realise that they are a victim).
There is a plethora of information available on the internet, from case-study examples of abuse to details of support and refuge organisations, but can or does the 'average' 'victim' access this? How do we get the message across that they don't have to endure abuse, that there are ways of dealing with it and that they are not alone?

There is little or  no television coverage of this kind of thing. Unless victims are 'allowed' to have a social circle where they become exposed to others who have 'broken free' of their abusers, there is little chance of their ever gaining the resources they need to commence extraction from their situations. There needs to be more exposure of this in the media, organisations coming to the fore and conveying the message loud and clear that ABUSE is NO USE!

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 7 - The Mind of the Abuser

The Mind of the Abuser

Abusive people typically think they are unique, so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules as everyone else. But actually, abusers have a lot in common with one another and share a great many thinking patterns and behaviors. These may include:

  Success Fantasies:  The abuser believes in fantasies of being rich, famous, or extremely successful in other terms if only other people weren't holding him back. They're blocking the way makes the abuser feel justified in getting back at them, including through abuse. The abuser also puts other people down as a way of building their self up.
  Blaming:  The abuser shifts responsibility for certain actions to others, which allows the abuser to be angry at the other person for "causing" the behavior. For example: "If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them."
  Excuse Making:  Instead of accepting responsibility for certain actions, the abuser tries to justify their behavior with excuses. For example, "My parents never loved me," or "My parents beat me," or "I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess I lost my temper," or "I couldn't let him talk to me that way, there was nothing else I could do."
  Redefining:  The abuser redefines the situation so that the problem lies not with the abuser but with others or the outside world. For example: The abuser doesn't come home at 6 p.m. for dinner as prearranged; he or she comes home at 4 a.m. The abuser says, "You're an awful cook anyway. Why should I come home to eat this stuff? I bet the kids wouldn't even eat it."
  Making Fools of Others:  The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his reactions, and provoking a fight between or among others. He may try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a great deal of interest in and concern for that person in order to get on his good side.
  Assuming:  Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. For example: "I knew you'd be mad because I went out for a drink after work, so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself."
  Emotional Dependence:  Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their spouse. The result of their inner rage at being dependent means that the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness.
One major symptom is strong jealousy and possessive actions, normally sexual in nature. The abuser will spend a great deal of time monitoring their spouses activities. The abuser lacks supportive relationships. Another sign of dependence is the effect of what happens when the abused person leaves the home because of the abuse. It is common for the abuser to make extraordinary attempts to persuade them to return.
  Lying:  The abuser manipulates by lying to control information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically. For example: The abuser tries to appear truthful when actually lying, or tries to look deceitful when actually telling the truth.
  Rigid Application of Traditional Sex Attitudes:  Abusive spouses tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles and functions of their spouses in the marriage. The wife may expect the husband to over fulfill all the financial needs and household/parenting chores.
  Drama and Excitement:  Abusive people have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others become angry, get into fights, or fall into a general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics to set up an exciting situation.
  Closed Channel:  The abusive person does not tell much about personal details and real feelings. The abuser is not open to new information about himself either, such as someone else's thoughts about them personally. The abuser is secretive, close-minded and self-righteous. Abusers believe they are right in all situations.
  Ownership:  The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, the abuser believes that anything that is wanted should be owned, and that the abuser can do as wanted with anything that is hers. The same attitude applies to people. It justifies controlling others' behavior, physically hurting them and taking things that belong to them.
  Poor Anger Management:  Individuals who have experienced a violent and abusive childhood are more likely to grow up and become spouse abusers. A person who sees violence as the primary method for settling differences as a child is not going to have very many alternate ways available to channel anger. A person without an everyday outlet for anger risks exploding toward the people closest to them.
  Minimizing:  The abuser ducks responsibility for abusive actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. For example: "I didn't hit you that hard", or "I only hit one of the kids. I could have done them all."
  Fragmentation:  The abuser usually keeps the abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life. The separation is physical; for example, the abuser will beat up family members but not people outside the home. The separation is also psychological; for example, it is not uncommon for an abuser to attend church Sunday morning and beat the victim Sunday night. The abuser sees no inconsistency in this behavior and feels justified in it.
  Above the Rules:  As mentioned earlier, abusers generally believe they are better than other people and so don't have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate usually believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he is not. An abuser shows above-the-rules thinking in saying, "I don't need counseling. Nobody knows as much about my life as I do. I can handle my life without help from anybody.
  Self-glorification:  The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent and self-sufficient. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.
  Inability to express feelings with words:  This type of person is rarely capable of true intimacy and may feel very threatened by the prospect of being open and vulnerable. Particularly when frustrated, the abusive person expects instant gratification from their spouse who is expected to "read" their mind and "know" what their mate wants. When the mate doesn't know what is expected the wife may interpret this as meaning they do not really love them. Therefore with an abusive individual, rejection = violence.

  Vagueness:  Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. Example: "I'm late because I had to do something on the way home."

• Batterers (male or female) tend to be preoccupied with "macho" ideals. They feel a need to dominate and control and often expect it as their right and privilege. They may tend to associate some feminine qualities with weakness and fear intimacy as making them vulnerable.
• They are frequently characterized as lacking in assertive communication skills and appearing alternatively passive or aggressive in nature. They are more inclined to resolve problems and emotions through violence, as the male sex role stereotype would suggest. This tendency tends to add to the stress many batterers create for themselves and their families.
• Batterers have higher levels of hostility than non-batterers. Their range of emotions tend to be reduced to anger, which in-turn is expressed primarily through violent behavior similar to the same behavior sanctioned by various macho subcultures. Emotional tensions are typically suppressed until they finally "explode."
• Despite the bravado that many batterers display, they characteristically suffer from lower self-esteem than non-batterers. They often feel that they have not lived up to the sex role stereotype and consequently overcompensate with hyper-masculine behavior.
  They become emotionally dependent on their partners and consequently become threatened by the possibility of their departure. This is often evident in excessive jealousy and possessiveness.
• Batterers have a higher incidence of alcohol and drug abuse. The alcohol acts as a uninhibitor, intensifying abusive incidents, but it does not "cause" the abuse.
  
  Many batterers are abusive with or without alcohol and continue their violence even after "drying out." Some experts consider alcohol and drug abuse to act as a sedative for the emotional distress most batterers bear in response to their abusive childhood, sense of inadequacy, and poor communication skills.
• The majority of batterers have experienced or witnessed childhood violence that has left them with low self-esteem, poor role models, and sometimes traumatized. Very much like the alcoholic, abusers deny there is a problem and refuse to accept responsibility for their abusive behaviour. They blame everyone else for making them angry, thereby excusing their actions.

Dealing with an Abuser who manifests the behaviours above is beyond any 'normal' person. These behaviours are rarely labelled as such by the profession, but are, indeed, evidence of Mental Illness. Although the term is often applied loosely, in the extreme of abuse cases it must be taken most seriously and dealt with accordingly. Abuse is No Use

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 6

The purpose of these articles - recanting a real-life story of abuse - and giving substance to the elements that make-up the ever-revolving cycle - is to allow readers to relate to their own situations, to make them sit up and think, to say "my goodness, that's me!" With this in mind, let's look at other signs.

Has Abuse Changed You?

Without a doubt, it most certainly has...

Your abusive relationship has likely gotten or will get worse over time. You can't make your abuser change their behavior. You can't "fix" them. It is not up to you to fix other people. Being abusive is their issue to resolve...not yours.

Answering these questions honestly will give you a good idea just how severely abuse has hurt you and changed you. The effects of the cycle of abuse are insidious... you may have become a mere shadow of your former self... a person who goes through the motions of everyday life with no hope, no joy, no real happiness. You may have turned to drugs, alcohol, the internet or long work hours to help you cope.
Listed below are a few of the ways in which abuse can and does affect you.

Do you have a feeling that you are not the same person you were before? You know yourself best... trust your own instincts. If you cannot answer this question yourself... ask someone you trust implicitly. People who knew you before you became a victim of abuse will have seen the changes occur within you... no matter how obvious or subtle those change may be.

If you answer 'yes' to some of the following questions, you are likely being abused and not only are you abused, you have also very likely changed as a result of being abused.

• Do you fight and make up regularly?
• Does your partner put you down, ridicule you, criticize you?  Or are you doing that to your partner?
• Are you "hanging in" because you can see the potential -- only the potential never gets realized?
• Is your partner never home or "tuned out" when he or she is at home?  Or are you?
• Are you relieved when your partner isn't around?
• Are you uneasy when your partner is away?
• Does your partner hit you or threaten to hit you?  Or are you doing it to him or her?
• Is your sex life gone?
• Is you or your partner's use of drugs or alcohol creating problems?
• Is living alone or independently unthinkable?
• Do you doubt your judgment or wonder if your are "crazy"?
• Are you afraid of your partner?  Do you express opinions less and less freely?
• Have you developed fears of other people and tend to see others less often?
• Do you spend a lot of time watching for your partner's bad and not-so-bad moods, before bringing up a subject?
• Do you ask your partner's permission to spend money, take classes or socialize with friends?
• Have you lost confidence in your abilities, become increasingly depressed - feeling trapped and powerless?

Reading this will help you to see that the abuse you are living with is real. It is painful, degrading and humiliating. Instead, give yourself a hug and a pat on the back for surviving.
You are empowering yourself with every bit of knowledge you glean. You are loving and caring about yourself by being at this website... through researching and understanding the dynamics of domestic violence and abuse.

Next chapter: Inside the mind of the Abuser!

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 5 - Stockholm Syndrome

On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees "The party has just begun!" The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours.
The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.
After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees!
Clearly, the hostages had "bonded" emotionally with their captors.

The psychological undercurrents to this have been dubbed "The Stockholm Syndrome", as the reactions  of the hostages clearly depict the kinds of behaviour that are exhibited by abuse victims. In even the short term, severe traumatic abuse can and does have lasting effects, whether that be physical, emotional or a combination of the two. Multiply this exposure by several years and you have a chronic debility that is hard to overcome.

Natalie clearly exhibited behaviours that corresponded to this. Her home was her prison - here she found refuge, away from the concerned questioning of relatives and friends as to why she tolerated the abuse she was receiving. Fred was her captor - in some sickeningly paradoxical way, his violence also gave him a role as her 'protector' from the outside world - after all, who was ever going to confront him, or even say anything in earshot? So Natalie kept going back to her captor, something she had done time and again. Yes, despite experiencing all the trappings of a comfortable, loving new life, she was drawn back once more. The years of abuse had literally squeezed the will out of her, she couldn't maintain the belief that she was actually free from Fred. He had threatened her so many times; how he would kill himself, the children, family, friends, even Natalie, if she left him for good. He was very clever, as so many abusers can be - he would bide his time, wait for an appropriate moment (usually some kind of family crisis) and then wind her back in again with either false promises or more threats. No external force or person was strong enough to overcome this for very long and Natalie was mentally exhausted - her abused life had taken it's toll. She literally "gave up", her very existence now so completely subjugated that she was but a puppet in some sad cameo.

Natalie is still imprisoned today...
Some would say "by choice". But what choice does she have?
The power to reason it out enough to determine and act upon a solution is continually diluted by Fred's influence.

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 4

Natalie continued as best as she could - her 'conditioning' for want of a better term, afforded the most complete resilience achievable. In the face of abject humiliation at the hands of her own personal 'Jekyll & Hyde' 'partner' (the term is derisory, given his actions), Natalie dug-in and did her best to maintain her household. The rented accommodation was in her name, so she had that much security, but this meant being at the mercy of the Benefits system, as Fred rarely worked, if ever, and when he did the money was squandered on alcohol. In short, he was little more than an unwelcome, nonpaying lodger. She managed to gain some domicilliary work from friends, which provided 'pocket-money' for the kids, but it wasn't until she took her first real job that things changed significantly. Firstly, his reign of terror increased, because he became the paranoid partner, accusing her of sleeping with men that she came into contact with at work. His grip had been loosened; he was no longer lord-&-master of a kitchen-bound housewife and mother - she had freed herself slightly from his clutches - AND IT FELT GOOD!
Then something unexpected happened. Natalie met somebody. Not just anybody, but a real Knight-in-shining-armour. She knew, as soon as she laid eyes on him, that she wanted him. He made her feel SO GOOD about herself. None of the harshness, the violence, the demeaning put-downs - just pure, unadulterated kindness - AND SHE WANTED MORE.

By a miracle, this chance meeting changed her self-belief so much, that she found the strength to leave Fred - something she had tried so many times before, but in vain, due to his conniving ways. But this time she was staying away - this time she had a protector, a way out. refuge, sanctuary, kindness, and, for the first time in her life, LOVE.

At last, Natalie had escaped Fred's tyranny for good. All she had to do was get him removed from her home and continue to live the good life that she had sorely craved and finally embraced...

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 3

Natalie and Fred's relationship 'survived' the early traumas, or I should  say that Natalie survived the early abuse from Fred as they reverted to the 'CALM' state previously mentioned. Natalie had to dig-in and focus on her baby, so DENIAL was adopted as a means of dealing with the pain of the abuse she had suffered. In fact, she was still suffering, with drunken outbursts prefacing almost every weekend and some nights too. His affairs continued; despite 'choosing' Natalie over the other woman that he had made pregnant, he still acted in predatory fashion around women, inviting sex without any conscience or remorse. Natalie's life began to evolve as the 'Protector', steeling herself against the trauma of attack, denying any thoughts of retribution, salvation or escape. She did this by finding ways to continually 'RECONCILE' with Fred, making excuses for his outbursts, attempting self-blame, offering herself to him, taking the view that he must be straying due to her deficiencies in the bedroom, almost believing at one point that if she hadn't have fallen pregnant, Fred would still find her attractive and not sleep with other women! These thoughts came, despite knowing what Fred was really like; the 'attraction' to him in the first place was the 'conquest' of keeping him from other women, yet she knew the man she was with could never be faithful to her. Her self-esteem was being crushed to the point of no return. She was on auto-pilot, her matriarchal instincts providing the support she needed to keep going.

Natalie fell pregnant again....
She now had her son, nearly two years of age, and a pregnancy to deal with, on top of her 'role' as VICTIM...
...and still Fred slept around, drank heavily, and ABUSED her.

Natalie continued to 'pull her head' in; she traversed the Cycle of Abuse - CALM, TENSION, INCIDENT, RECONCILIATION - like it was part and parcel of a normal relationship. After all, she'd seen all this with her own parents, and although her mother had been able to break free of the cycle, Natalie had seen and been influenced by the dominance of her father. A pattern had been imprinted on her fragile mind at an early age - a pattern that was now the tapestry for her own sad existence.

Things became worse...
One of the most horrific episodes involved Fred returning home blind drunk, to find Natalie already in bed (she was heavily pregnant). Finding his sickening advances repelled, he punched Natalie in the abdomen, in an effort to kill the unborn child. Natalie was now so subjugated by the experiences of the past three years that she was unable to respond, beyond ensuring that the baby was ok and returning to her Cycle of Abuse once more - RECONCILIATION.

This pattern continued for an incredible twenty years.......

In the next chapter, we will look at how Natalie 'woke up'! Or did she?

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 2 - Analysis of Abuse

It would be useful at this stage to provide a generic explanation of "The Cycle of Abuse" and it's various off-shoots. In no way does it only pertain to partnership (marriage, civil partnership, betrothal, courtship, other); indeed, it can be applied to any relationship involving any number of people. For the purpose of this case we are referring to a long-term civil partnership - although as the episode unfolds, we will see how other people become involved in the whole cycle of abuse.


The Cycle of Abuse can be graphically produced, depicting a clear circle (or cycle) of events that continually rotate through the various stages. They can be applied to various stages of a relationship, as well as to any individual interaction within a relationship, and can occur out-of-sequence too. These are as follows:

CALM - this is the 'usual' state of play, mostly experienced at the beginning of a relationship, commonly known as the 'honeymoon period'. As this can reoccur several times, it thus becomes the 'sticking plaster', where the abuser placates the abused, the incident is forgotten and the abuse ceases.  We will talk about reasons for this state later on.

TENSION - As tension increases as a result of 'triggers' (precipitous actions by the abuser), communication breaks down, the abused become fearful of the consequences and fells the need  to placate the abuser. This can take a variety of guises, from the extreme of sexual 'favours' to basic domicilliary actions that are performed as part of a feeling of 'duty'.

INCIDENT - This is where the verbal, physical and emotional abuse takes place. These come in the form of Anger, Threats, Blaming, Arguing, Intimidation and Subjugation. The catalogue of examples of these would be too exasperating to depict herewith, but I'm sure that many of you would be able to identify with most of those headings in some fashion.

RECONCILIATION - Unlike the 'CALM' phase, the abuser apologises for actions, gives excuses, blames the abused victim, denies the incident occurred, or even says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims. This is almost as horrid as the actual abuse, because it is these actions that TOTALLY MESS UP THE ABUSED VICTIMS' SELF-BELIEF AND SELF-WORTH. You will note that we have started to use the term VICTIM; we should make no mistake about the fact that abused people are VICTIMS. The Cycle of Abuse, if not broken, efficiently and completely DESTROYS the VICTIM.

Natalie is a VICTIM of the Cycle of Abuse; Fred is the ABUSER.

The story unfolds...

The Cycle of Abuse - Chapter 1

How many women are trapped in abusive relationships that they cannot escape from?
This is not a rhetorical question - the simple answer is Too Many!

Whilst there has been a definite shift of  emphasis, with women becoming empowered to take action to change their lives, there is still a strong undercurrent of subjugation in households from which there is little chance of liberty.

This story will follow the life of one such 'victim' who, sadly, is still living under these circumstances, with little hope of retribution...

Natalie is typical - typical in the sense that she has just followed life's path - met a guy, fell pregnant at 20 - raised the family, worked, kept things going and stayed the course. The decisions she made to stay on this course were influenced heavily by a number of  external factors, not the least of which was the subjugation of a typical bully. She came from a 'broken home', parents having split due to the abuse of an alcoholic husband (is there a pattern emerging?) - a home that was otherwise of good calibre - she attended ballet classes and participated in local events as part of the community - so she was given a better start in life than some.

Fred was your typical 'jack the lad' - popular with the girls, liberal with his attention, and totally lacking in any kind of respect for women beyond satisfying his own needs. Does this sound attractive to some of you?.
Read on...
He came from a large family, most of whom were 'carved from the same loaf'; crime, drink, drugs, violence, theft, and a catalogue of  unsavoury episodes that most 'sensible' girls would give a wide berth to. Work was sporadic, and any money derived from it went straight down his throat. CB Radio was all the rage then, so access to 'vunerable' girls was even easier via the precursor to modern-day social networks. This was how he met Natalie, one of several girls he was sexually active with.

When Natalie was three months pregnant with her first child, she found out that Fred had been with another girl and that she was pregnant too. Despite his infidelity and promiscuity, she gave him an ultimatum; "choose her or me". This was the fateful decision that plunged her into over twenty years of misery - he chose her.
The infidelity didn't stop - a string of  'affairs' ensued, interlaced with alcoholic episodes, to which she had no answer, other than, perhaps, to blame herself?

This was the beginning of the 'Cycle of Abuse' - the start of 'self-justification' for his actions -  a desperate attempt of a vunerable, young, single women to 'hold it all together'. She'd seen what had happened to her parents - this couldn't happen again, so it must be her fault...